Hi everybody,
How are we doing?! I don’t know if it’s just me, but life feels like a wild roller coaster ride lately. From the outside, I’m sure it doesn’t seem that way… I’ve been working, resting, and making some time for play in between. But beneath the surface, I’ve been on a deep journey of inner healing.
This Winter was really challenging for me, but something started to shift in April. I started to feel lighter, more grateful and more like myself again. While everyone was complaining about the rain, I was just happy to be out of seasonal depression. I got some blood work done that revealed I am severely deficient in Vitamin D (amongst other things) so I’m sure that was part of it. But despite having a pretty good month in April and May, I started to feel low again in June.
In a conversation with my partner Matt I exclaimed “I’m tired” to which he responded “you always say that.” And it’s true, I am quite literally always tired. And it’s not the kind of tired that an eight hour sleep can fix (luckily for me, my sleep is actually pretty solid). It’s a different kind of tired, the bone deep kind of tired that you just can’t seem to shake. The kind of tired that quietly whispers “something needs to change.”
I’ve known that something is off for quite some time now but it’s been hard for me to put my finger on. My menstrual cycle has progressively worsened since 2018 but despite debilitating periods and other somatic symptoms, I’ve just continued to push myself and act like everything is fine. Even when the pandemic hit, I didn’t let myself slow down and rest. Instead, I decided to start a business and clocked 60+ hour work weeks for three years. Now I have compassion for that past version of me because I know that she was just trying to cope the best way that she knew how: through productivity.
But recently, something has started to click: I am not going to get out of this phase of my life the same way that I got into it. Yes, something needs to change. And that something is me. Of course I could argue that my symptoms are just the result of the sick society that we live in and while that is true, I just don’t find it an empowering stance to take. Yes, the society that we live in values and celebrates external accomplishments, financial success and personal gain above all else but I don’t have to.
I’ve noticed an interesting shift in the online space away from the “girl boss” era and into the “soft feminine” that suggests that I’m not alone in this. The way we have been doing things is just not working. We have tried the hustle and grind and it just doesn’t feel very good. Now on the opposite end of the spectrum we are being fed narratives of the “slow life” and on the very extreme conservative side of things we are being bombarded with the “trad wife life” (if you don’t know what I’m talking about consider yourself lucky). Personally, I just don’t think that true happiness or fulfillment lies in either of these extremes.
I can’t help but wonder… What if we took a more balanced approach to healing? One that integrates both the qualities of the energetic masculine and the energetic feminine and lets us be whole entire beings that can exist outside of the roles and binaries that society expects us to play. I believe that once we can get free from the pressure that society puts on us and therefore the pressure that we put on ourselves, we can be free to be who we really want to be. And finally, enjoy the life that our soul’s are desperately longing for.
Recently, I read the book The Way of Integrity by Martha Beck and found it to be extremely healing. I honestly cried of relief to learn that someone else has put words to what I am going through. She uses Joseph Campbell’s framework of the Hero’s Journey to illuminate the stages of healing that we all must embark upon if we are brave enough to leave our uncomfortable, but familiar, life behind. If you would like to read this book and discuss it, please let me know. I’d be happy to organize a group either online or locally in Kingston.
Anywho, I hope that some of this has resonated with you. I’ve been asked by certain people in my life why I share such personal things online and honestly, it’s to help people feel less alone. When I see a bit of myself in someone else’s story it gives me such relief and it’s my hope to share that with you too.
With gratitude,
Sophie
The fact that you have recognized and acknowledged that it is time for change must be a huge relief! The letting go of most or even some societal norms is so gratifying, and a wee bit scary! However, there is only one direction, and that is forward, so I believe that each of us should determine our own pace. The most favourite quote of my life, that I have lived by since ~ age 6 is from Thoreau: "If a (man) does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music he hears, however measured or far away. " love you! 😘